SHUSH!

Internet, moving is a real bitch. But the upside is living with someone with a whole set of new movies you haven't seen yet! Enter Encino Man, a Les Mayfield 1992 movie that was lying around in our new trendy living room. After seeing it, it has now been kicked under the couch, never to emerge unless it it to be dropped from our third floor balcony. Seriously!

Encino Man is about two high school buddies (Sean Astin and Pauly Shore) on the verge of graduating and desperate for one last chance at popularity. While digging in his backyard to make a pool (which of course, will then make him uber popular), Dave (Astin) accidentally uncovers a frozen caveman (Brendan Fraser in George of the Jungle mode). In an expected but still very odd turn of events, Caveman becomes the cool kid in school and helps Dave and Stoney achieve all their adolescent dreams.

I'm not gonna beat around the bush here.WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS CRAP! Both main characters are absolute losers (see Dave's tactic in trying to convince the girl of his dreams that they belong together by showing her naked baby pics of them) to the point where you don't really care if they evolve, succeed or simply get run over by Stoney's ugly scooter. Brendan Fraser, who looks less like a caveman than a hippie who went down the mud slope at Woodstock, basically jumps around, makes faces and eats dog food...clearly not his best work. And of course, there has to be the Big Bad Jock who has it in for Dave, but in this case, he looks like a cheap version of Vanilla Ice (however, it was 1992...) and his best diabolical plan is to expose to everyone at prom that Dave's hip buddy is a prehistoric caveman...yeah boy, you won't look like a total douchebag when that comes out of your mouth!

Coming from Les Mayfield (Flubber, Code Name: The Cleaner), you can't really expect something digestible, but Encino Man is simply craptacular. And NOT the so-bad-its-now-a-cult-movie craptacular. The BAD kind of craptacular.

I wish to end this note with a message to Pauly Shore: HOW DID YOU EVER MANAGE TO HAVE A CAREER??? Watching the likes of you in this movie made me decide to throw a monster party the day you will retire. Please make my day and tell me I can go buy the balloons RIGHT NOW!

There's no doubt, Encino Man belongs with the mothballs under my couch.