I learned that from daytime tv!

That's how devoted I am, Internet. Yours truly just sat through Dragonball : Evolution SO YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TOO. Get the hint?

Based on Akira Toriyama's monstruously popular anime series, this flick tells the story of Goku (Justin Chatwin) a 'special' young man/warrior apprentice on a mission to find the seven mystical dragonballs, which grant its owner one perfect wish, before the lord/alien/creature from the black lagoon Piccolo, imprisoned for 2000 years, finds them and...does something really bad. Basically, he's pissed and its up to Goku and company to stop him from taking it out on humanity.

Here's the deal: if you never got into the 'Dragonball' series, you will feel like you wasted 1 hour and 20 minutes of your life. If you are a fan of the 'Dragonball' series, you will also feel like you wasted 1 hour and 20 minutes of your life. However, the level of frustration will be much higher. Very little remains of the original anime. Goku is no longer a happy-go-lucky/ completely clueless kid with a monkey tail, he's an outcast teenager longing to be cool and pining over queen bee Chi Chi (don't even get me started on her. No giant father? come! on!). Master Roshi is not a dirty old man and Bulma's hair is black. What the hell??

The movie was clearly shot in front of a couple of bluescreens in a deserted warehouse and is all kinds of mediocre, from the script (which includes classic lines such as 'Ow, my balls!') to the fighthing to the actors' performances. One might say that Justin Chatwin's hair did most of the acting in this piece, even though the film wasn't short in viable actors (Emmy Rossum, Chow-Yun Fat). But the person I feel most sorry for was James Marsters, who had to endure who knows how many hours every day in the makeup chair to deliver such a boring performance. Considering Piccolo's high degree of badass-ness in the anime series, this was truly a disappointment.

In the end, the biggest crime of all was that Dragonball: Evolution takes itself (gasp!) seriously. The humour which made Toriyama's stories so entertaining and distinctive is almost entirely gone. In its place, we are left with a (god helps us!) quest of self-discovery which culminates in a 'its your destiny' moment (you can here recycle your urge to vomit from Transformers 2) and ends with getting the girl. Oh! And just when its about to get interesting, as in when the newly formed couple of Goku and Chi Chi take their debate of who is going to wear the pants into the arena, cut to credits.

James Wong, the question is begging to be asked : when you think of how you, an asian man, cast a 100 % caucasian man to play one of the biggest japanese anime icon, does the word 'irony' pop into your mind? Cause it freaking does in mine!!! Also, how the hell does a laser gun run out of ammunition? Oh! And why, WHY would someone stuck under huge boulders during a deadly fight with an alien lord suddenly feel the urge TO CHANGE HIS OUTFIT???

Maybe all these burning questions will be answered in the sequel, Goku Goes to College. Can't wait. Just. Can't. Wait.